Bear with me. This will be long. But you might see my point in the end. There is a reason why I want you to read this.
My brother and his gf did this exercise with me once. They reasoned out that out of Singapore population of 4.5million people, 2.25 million are male. 10% of them are in my age group, which leaves me with 225,000 guys. Conservatively, 15% of them will be Christians, which leaves me with 33,750 guys. If only 20% of them are not attached, that leaves me with 6,750. If only 10% of the guys in Singapore like dogs, only 675 of the guys are eligible for me to choose from. And if only 10% of them suit my personality and my character, I have to get 1 out of the 67.5 guys remaining to share a mutual liking of each other. They did it for the guys in my church too. Guess what? I have to find 1 out of 5 guys to go out with.
I guess that is what they do when they are happily together- go about matchmaking their single friends (or sibling) with people that they know. It sounds so simple. I mean, 67 guys to choose from? There are endless possibility. But in reality, it is so difficult. An economist has a perfect way of describing this situation- there is no such thing as perfect information. Hence we will have allocation inefficiency. That is when we go through all the trials and pains of breaking up and one-sided love. The worst part? There is a 50% chance that we might never find the one who we want to marry and be committed to spend our lives with.
I have friends dealing with one-sided relationship and rejection. Others just cling on to the hope that perhaps one day, the guy will return their feelings, only to have friends watching sadly, knowing that the miracle will never happen.
Then when I look at myself, I feel SO DISGUSTED with myself. You know why? Only a fool will hang around for 5 years 4 months and 13 days, drifting in and out of the feelings she has for someone, only to come straight back to it, thinking that she cannot find anyone better. Yes, the fool easily counted the days when she needed the fact to emphasize what a fool she is.
I always wanted to know you better because I knew that I was loving an image. I have placed you high on a pedestal and I needed to get an accurate impression about you. Now that I caught a slight glimpse, I think that I am prepared to let this image and feeling go once and for all.
If there is one thing that my trip to USA has taught me, it was to value myself more and be more confident in who I am. It came to the point that I begin to learn how to love myself for who I am and see myself as someone worthy to be loved. I don't have to beg for crumbs of love like a starving dog because I know that one day, someone will see me as someone special. Even if no one on this earth choose me as their special someone, I am contented with my friends around me, and the love of God that I have in my life.
Some say that love is an uncontrollable emotion. It certainly doesn't help that hormones whack our common sense out of the window when it comes to love. I know it is difficult to let go because regardless how your brain says that it is foolish, your heart stubbornly clings on to the hope that perhaps miracles will happen.
But if I say it is a myth, that sometimes miracles won't happen, will it shatter your long-suffering painful world that you thrive in? If I say that it is silly to 'cope' without the person until someone better come along, will I be mocking your feelings that you had for that special someone? If I say that I have discovered that I am better off being single, happy and free from the chains that I binded myself in than to be sucked in the world of delusion, wishing that a miracle will happen.
The world is before me. After I graduate, I will be thrust into a different world from the 16 years that I experienced in school. I will meet more people, know more wonderful people. There will be some old friends that I will treasure, mainly because they have been with me through thick and thin, cheering me on and reprimanding me when I am being foolish. This time, I am moving on. After all, I have effectively knocked him off the pedestal. I have overcome such emotions before... and I will do it again, this time, with success.
And you know my friend, you can find a better guy than the one that you like. Even though you might feel good around him when he is nice to you, there is always this feeling that no matter how hard you try, you cannot change the fact that he will never be yours. I'm giving up my dream, for real now. If I talk about him anymore, whack me and tell me off. I will knock it off. I don't want to live in an illusion anymore.
